The Shijuro guide to Police jargon…

Breach of the peace- an old law still used to great effect because it just works. Hated by people with an inflated idea of their ‘rights’ but not responsibilities.

Robbery– technically theft from an individual with violence, implied or real… For CID, it’s theft from the person with a prisoner…

Panda– police patrol vehicle…members of the public used to Police shows like Starskey and Hutch think that they are ‘modded up’… they aren’t… they are usually poorly maintained crap diesels-with no cages to keep you safe…

Warrant (1)- document obtained from the a special sitting of court to enter, search and seize. (2) a document in the form of a card all officers are required to carry to identify them as Police and give them a power to arrest. (3) used in the criminal and MOP cry when told to do something they don’t like ‘WTF? Have you got a warrant?’
Domestic– slang term for: theft, assault, robbery, rape, arson, murder, piracy, treason, harassment, kidnap, blackmail and in fact all crimes on the books that occurs in a house between short-term or life partners.
Social Services– a team of highly trained and motivated people that have the responsibility for the welfare and safety of vulnerable people…between 0800hrs on Monday morning until 1500hrs on a Friday. (see EDT and Police)

EDT (emergency duty team)- a team of 30-or so highly trained and motivated people that are responsible for recording the problems of vulnerable people between 1600hrs-0800hrs in the week, to be then dealt with on a Monday morning by Social Services.

Custody Officer– a Police officer with a substantive rank of Sergeant with the responsibility for all persons inside the perimeter of a Police custody area…for a non-specified time after contact with the Police. Must be: a practising emergency medic, telepathic and (most importantly) precognitive.

WPC– anachronistic term for a female police officer (see WDC, PeeWee, Mabel, Gladys and wubble-you-pee-cee).

PLONK– Person of Little Or No Knowledge. Used to describe people when you want to be sacked or at the very least PSD’d.

SPROG– a new police officer-a bit of an anacronistic term at the present as there are no new police and won’t be for some years to come. (see Pro-con, FNG…)

Gaffer– informal term for a Police Inspector. Also used are the words: Boss, pips, bwana, stick and NOAM (No Overtime Any More). NB. in the Met or episodes of the Sweeney, it’s Guv.

Old-sweat… an officer with a few years left before retirement. Can be spotted by the way they often wear non-reg issue kit like, blue cardigans etc. and call senior officers by their first names, even when this clearly annoys them. NB. this can be applied to people on the response team with 5-years in…because they will like as not be the most senior people there.

Scrote– slang term for a member of the benefit class. Will wear sports gear when it is a) too cold b) obvious they will have a heart-attack at any minute. The scrote it responsible for almost all of the crime, anti-social behaviour and for dominating the time/resources of all of the public sector.(see, shit/shitbag/scum/villain/criminal/MP).

Police Authority– a body of people that knows as much about Policing as an Portsmouth based gnat knows about life in China.(see Chief Constable/ACC/DCC/Home Secretary)

Law– an ass.

Prison– an establishment building designed to rehabilitate people convicted of crime but in reality is just a university for them.

To be contd…


10 responses to “The Shijuro guide to Police jargon…

  1. Shij this is excellent witty and erudite I love a man that take the piss with such razor sharp precision I wont point it out so others can think for themselves ( trolls excepted)
    PS what about the Larceny Act ! dont you have that any more
    we have had a few larcenists round here burning things
    a nice word to add but not understood by the clowns it refers to and senior officers is Bogun a nice Aussie word for a particular sort of inbred
    ps soem years ago a very senior policeman told me off for calling a suspect a Tard !! I counted quickly that I meant Tarred with the same brush
    think I got away with that one
    do you use Scally down south or is that North of the border ?

    • Police are called ‘Gavvers’ here…

      Bad people are called… villains, wazzuk, Gockie… etc…

      We call ladies ‘moi luvver’ …

      I know it’s putting me in a geo area- but I really don’t give a shit at the moment…

  2. Twat a term used for an officer above the rank of Inspector

  3. arr I do understand eh now my lover
    you are probably not a million miles from me
    they will probably post you to Unst for that
    I do hear its a nice quite posting for a copper !!

  4. You forgot that in Metland – Scrote is pronounced ‘Slag’:

    He’s slag.
    Lots of slag out tonight
    This is a slaggy area.

  5. Shij I must admit to having spent some little time in Unst its a bit moonscape the local copper caught some rascals nicking bits of a great war submarine he arrested all three of them but nothing else ever happens Troorow yep thats when you know the big hat caught you letting down the tyres on his bike again !!

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