Medieval Constable Baldrick Rolfe was taken forward in time from his tiny Devon town by a mysterious energy field. He is now a serving Police officer with the local Constabulary. It is safe to say, there is a mild clash of cultures…
Baldrick and his partner PC Jane Lait are on patrol in their vehicle.
JL: I vote we head down the High Street and then make our way in for refs, eh Baldrick?
BR: Whatever is thy wish wench. My breakfast waits.
JL: oh? What you got? I’ve got some porridge and fruit.
BR: [smiling] oh for me, a brace of pigeons.
JL: err… please tell me they are cooked Baldrick ….
BR: [laughs] silly woman! I’ve not caught them yet!
Control: mike-22 make Sainsbury’s one detained for theft shops-received?
JL: received, mike-22 standing by. [noticing his smile] What’s funny Baldrick, the irony of a call making us miss refs?
BR: No, miss. This carriage that runs without horses. It is no less a wonder to me each day I have sat hither .. [looking serious for a moment] it’s err… not err.. witchcraft is it?
JL: No Baldrick, it’s a Ford. [to her radio] Mike-22 at incident please control.
They enter and are met by the manager.
Manager: thank god you are here…he really is an idiot. He had 10-packs of Walls streaky and a copy of Razzle in his coat…
JL: Lets have a look at him then.
[they all enter the manager’s office. A young man (Peter Smith) is sitting slouched in a chair. He looks disgustedly at the officers. [the door blows shut as the window is open]
Manager: sorry…no aircon and he said he was hot.
PS: You took your fucking time.
BR:[Baldrick’s face darkens] Base tike! Silence thy dog like cries before I show thee the fig!
PS: Eh? What’s that mean? Are you a Pollack or sumthin?
JL: Stop that please Mr Smith, we are only doing our job [opens the door].
[Baldrick smiles at his partner] Fear not miss, this viper vile shall not give my fear plain view! [to Smith] thou think clear of thy wretched tongue before I pluck it out!
PS: [frowning-but defiant] Look… give us a fucking ticket and let me go [looking at his watch] I’ve got a probation appointment in 30…
[Baldrick steps forward] Braggart vile! Silence thy vile and foul lies!
JL: err… it’s ok Baldrick…we will have to take him in if he is on probation… [to Smith] come on Smithy, let’s go…[she walks out with the manager -the door slams shut in the wind]
PS: fuckin’ ‘ell, stupid fuckin’ plod…are you deaf? I said… [cannot finish as Baldrick has grabbed his hair and drags him to his knees]
BR: [shouting] Vile villain! Thou shalt go where we command!
PS:[screaming] let me go! bastard! Scum! Pigs!
BR: [getting angry] Bastard is it? [knees Smith in the face] Scum is it? [knees again] thou will speak with the tongue of angels or I will put thee on the road to join them! [grabs Smith by the throat and squeezes until his eyes bulge] Does thou understand?
[the door flies open and JL/Manager enter]
JL: Christ Baldrick, you ok?
BR: Yes miss… this young man has an oath to give thee…
[Baldrick looks sternly at Smith- who cowers away from Baldrick, looks at the floor before speaking]
PS: Sorry miss…I am ready to go when you are.
BR: and this gentleman that you stole from…
PS: Sorry sir…I won’t come back here, I promise.
BR: You have spoke the right young Smith. For if thou doest…thy face will pay the forfeit. Doest thou understand?
[they leave and walk to the car, Smith has his head down and one of his mates appears and shouts: Oi Smithy where’s me fcuking bacon? Smith’s eyes bulge in terror and he says nothing but rushes to the car.]
[Baldrick looks at the youth and smiles]
BR: Comest thou again, comest thou again…