Life on Mars…part 2


Overview: Gene Hunt finds himself in the present…

Ruraltown church hall Monday evening… a large (for Ruraltown) crowd is waiting for DCI Hunt to give his crime statistics for the ‘PACT’ (Police and And Communities Together)…

The vicar and ‘chair’ Rev. Janet Frobbs stands up…

RJF: Well, I think we need to get started as DCI Hunt is obviously not….

(the door slams open VERY loudly)

GH: Fuck! Sorry I’m a bit late just having a quick one in the ‘Sportsman’…

(DCI Hunt walks to the front of the seated crowd)

RJF: Thank you for joining us DCI Hunt, I am the ‘chair’ tonight…

GH: Oh, I thought the vicar was going to run this lot…

RJF:[indignant]  I am the vicar…

GH: EH? You’re a bird…

RJF: I can see why they made you a DCI… (titters from the audience…)

GH: Oh, are you a rug muncher then?

RJF: a what?

GH: You know, one of nature’s gentlemen, a dike a…

RJF: I get your meaning Chief Inspector, no I am not a lesbian…

GH: Steady on love, there are old people here… (nods towards the audience) looking at them, one wrong word and some of them will be turning up their toes and I just can’t be bothered to do the paperwork…

Until now the Community beat Inspector Anne Lively has been sitting with her mouth open.

IAL: Sir! You can’t talk to the vicar like that!

GH: Blimey, who rattled your cage? Listen, when I want advise from a plonk, I’ll give it too you ok? Anyway, who the hell are you?

IAL: How dare you speak to me like that! I am an inspector! Inspector Lively…

GH: HAH! I thought you was a strip-a-gram… (laughs)… whatever next? Women inspectors… god help us. Listen pet, we can get to know each other later…

(Insp. Lively sniffs the air suspiciously…)

IAL: have you been drinking sir?

GH: not much point going to a pub if you don’t eh love? I mean it’s like pulling a bird and not getting your end away eh?

IAL: Give me your keys!

GH: (eyebrows raised) Steady on, normally I love it when a bird comes on string but… we haven’t done this stupid meeting yet… anyway I’ll drive…

IAL: you won’t sir…and if you try I will have you arrested for drink driving!

GH: Christ on a bike! [sorry vicar] you like a laugh eh?

RJF: if I may…can we get back to the meeting.

(pan to the audience-they are all smiling-one man stands up- Fred Haze)

FH: Officer, I am having some problems with the local gypsies. They keep stealing my fence railings…scrap I suppose…

IAL: Thank you for bringing that to our attention sir, that is a current tasking priority and our GRT (Gypsy Romany Traveller) liaison officer is planning a vist next week with the camp’s elders to discuss the aggressive recycling strategy being employed by some of the men…

GH: what the hell are you talking about?

IAL: I was just answering this gentlemen’s question.

GH: could have fooled me… Look sir, I will sort this out in double quick time. I will get a couple of the lads to have a ride down tonight with the GME…

IAL: the what?

GH: Gypsy Moving Equipment… you know, a catapult and a bag of marbles… (does a mime of firing a catapult and breaking caravan windows-IAL looks faint)

FH: YES! Now that’s what we need!

IAH: Mr Haze, you don’t mean that…

FH: I do, I hate the bastards…

IAH: and if they kick off?

GH: well, we get a couple of vans in from West division and kick the piss out of them-job done.

(the crowd cheer, IAH stands up…)

GH: great are we going? Look, everyone don’t take this the wrong way but you leave the policing to us eh? See you down the pub… (nods to IAH) come on love, you’re buying… You coming vicar?

(the vicar shakes her head in shock)

contd…

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3 responses to “Life on Mars…part 2

  1. Keep them coming, I really wish we had bosses like this

  2. Loving it 🙂

  3. Love it. This could run and run…so much material…so little blog space 🙂

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