The new Sweeney….


''SHAT IT YOU SLLLAAAAGGG!!!!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, Ray Winston and Ben Drew (aka Plan B) star as DI Regan and DS Carter in Nick Love’s new movie, The Sweeney that aims to grace the silver screen in the middle of next year.

BUT…

In the best traditions of the British me-me-meja Shijuro has managed to obtain a script preview and here it is!

THE SWEENEY

Scene four: outside ‘Knuckes’ McTeaf’s house. Pres: DI Regan, DS Carter and two ‘wooden-tops’ (one speaking/one non-speaking role).

REGAN- ”OK George hoof the door in.”

(Carter readies himself-but the uniformed bobby knocks the door)

REGAN- “What the fuck? Are you having a Steffi Graff mate? We are….”

KM- ”It’s open! Come in…”

CARTER-”Stone the crows…”

(they enter… the room is nicely furnished-Mr and Mrs McTeaf are eating breakfast-KM is dressed for work)

REGAN- ”Right, we’re the Sweeney mate and we haven’t had our breakfast…”

KM-“err… fancy a bowl of Bran Flakes?…good for the digestion”

CARTER-“Are you on the wind up?”

REGAN-“Get your trousers on! You’re nicked!”

(the uniformed officer whispers in Regan’s ear urgently)

REGAN-“OK, OK, OK… Get your trousers on, I request you attend the nick for a voluntary interview…”

KM-“what? Now? No fucking way filth, no bastard copper will take me ….”

(Mrs M whispers in her ear urgently)

KM-“Right… Look I can’t come now I have to drop my kids off at play group can I come at about 11?”

REGAN-“Leave it auuut you slag… Get your trousers on …”

(the uniformed officer whispers in Regan’s ear urgently)

REGAN- “Ok Tinkerbell 11 it is… bring an overnight bag, know what I mean?”

(the uniformed officer whispers in Regan’s ear urgently)

REGAN-“OK… see you later alligator…”

KM-“what’s this about anyway?”

CARTER-“The Polish pawn shops blaggs… You are well in the frame for….”

(the uniformed officer whispers in Carter’s ear urgently)

CARTER-“but before you answer any questions… you do not have to say anything but it may harm your defence if you do not reveal something to which to later rely on in defence. Anything you do say may be used in evidence”

KM-“OK… I choose to remain silent”

CARTER-“you? Leaky-lips McTeaf? More bunny than Sainsbury’s McTeaf? Bigger gob than…”

(the uniformed officer whispers in Carter’s ear urgently)

CARTER- “Ok… I apologise for my oppressive behaviour-(passes small leaflet) here is a leaflet explaining how to make a complaint about a serving officer”

KM-“Thanks!”

They drive off in a Peugeot 107 diesel.

REGAN-“Fuck my old boots, it’s tighter in here than a vicar’s arse with you lot in too… what happened to the Grannie?”

Uniform-“Failed the emissions sir. Force policy states that any car above the rating of 2-litre has to be a hybrid.”

CARTER and REGAN look at each other in disgust.

They walk into the station.

A Civvie is on the desk.

Civvie-“Can I help you sir?”

REGAN-“Yes wooden top, you can. Open the ol’ Roger.”

Civvie-“Excuse me?”

CARTER-“the Roger Moore…”

Civvie (understands) “Can I see your ID cards please?”

REGAN-“You are having a hat and scarf!”

Civvie-”No sir, no ID no entree…”

(they produce cards)

REGAN-”where is the flowery then?”

Civvie-“eh?” (understands) ”down there sir…”

The custody officer is reading a computer screen. There are two other people waiting to book on.

CARTER-”Wotcha skip… listen we need an interview room and… (looks around) a bit of p and q, know what I mean?”

Cusody-”You will have to wait. We are 3-deep and the interview rooms are sound proof…” (sees CARTER and REGAN smiling at each other) Oh, and they are videoed too… (they stop smiling).

Scene Interview room 2- McTeaf and solicitor, REGAN and CARTER.

CARTER-“I remember you now, McTeat. I scarfed you for some dodgy Frankie but our brief was right Patrick and you got away wiv it. Out of order.”

McT- ”I didn’t understand a word of that…”

REGAN-“Now Mc Tea-leaf, you’ve been tellin’ porkies ‘aven’t you?”

McT- “Mc Teaf and … what about?”

Solicitor- ”excuse me… but I haven’t been given disclosure yet.”

REGAN-“What?”

Solicitor-”disclosure, you tell me everything you have to speak to my client about.”

CARTER-“are you havin’ a fucking Turkish? If we tell you what’s to stop you tellin’ that slag?

Solicitor-”if by ‘slag’ you mean my client, then professional conduct…”

REGAN and CARTER start laughing uncontrollably…

Solicitor-”why are you laughing? I wouldn’t use it to help him construct a defence…”

CARTER (crying) ”stop for fucks sake stop…”

REGAN gets up …

REGAN-”Fuck this for a game of soldiers… George get your Billy, we are off down the Nuclear for a few Britneys and a gallon of Gold watch…”

CARTER-”Thank fuck. I can’t Christmas this lot…”

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2 responses to “The new Sweeney….

  1. Ahh Plan B, i can see it I can really see it working, plus Ray as well! Gunna b brilliant!

  2. Some twat is having them drive a Focus RS.
    FFS, It’s the “Sweeney” not the sodding “Professionals” !

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